Honestly, this lady just has such great instincts. She's over there in Syria telling them exactly what they want to hear. I'm really really thinking about talking to her about the VP slot. Or definitely a high cabinet post. Secretary of State or something. She's just so terrific.
Raking in the money, honey. That's what the Clintstones are good at. $36 million in the March quarter alone. Sure Obama had his little tea party with David Geffen. I find more money between the cushions on my couch. And I'm sorry to tell you folks but you know what? People like me. They really do. A lot. And I am going to be a great president. For life.
All the celebrity lezbos love me. And I look great with a "Save the Planet" bumper sticker on my ass. Yesterday we landed Billie Jean King. Soon we'll have Martina Navratilova and Rosie O'Donnell and those Indigo Girls jumping on Big Mama's gravy train too. You wait and see. Because if you look up "angry feminist" in the dictionary, you'll see my picture.
That's what I told those dopey muff munchers over at NOW anyway in order to get their endorsement. Ha! Wait and see how much Mama Hillary does for you once she gets into office. Look up "liar," and there's my picture too!
Or get a treadmill or something. Man. One of the interns snapped this photo with a camera phone without my knowledge. This was at a shopping plaza in Chappaqua last weekend. I found out they were passing it around on email and writing captions, like "Do you mind if I ASS you a question?" or "Baby's got back." Well, it hurt, but sometimes a girl needs a little kick in the you-know-what. And yes, I fired the assholes involved. Except for the one who actually took the photo. She's no longer with us, sad to say. We did make it look like an accident, however.
We're really working hard to reach out to Muslims early on in the campaign. Here's a photo of Nancy Pelosi and me working the crowd at a rally in Dearborn, Michigan over the weekend. We really cranked it up and got into it, saying stuff like, "Death to America! Death to Israel! We must put an end to the Zionist aggression!" Nancy can even do that Muslim lady yelp, where they go, "Ayayayayayayayayayayay!" She kept doing it in the plane afterward and we were all just cracking up. Hilarious. Then the reporter from al-Arabya got all snippy, so we had to cool it till he left the room. Then we started up again. God, Nancy is a blast. Too bad she's married.
We need a cause. A crusade. Gore has this crazy global warming thing. The Republicans have terrorism. Now Edwards has his wife's cancer, the lucky bastard. So I've put my best people on this. We need some big scary invisible danger that could wipe out our entire civilization unless I'm elected presiwoman. Best idea so far is asteroids. Like, they're out there and could smash into us and NASA isn't doing enough to protect us because their funding has been cut.
Could work, right? Well, we're thinking about it.
So Jimmy Carville asked me last night, "What would you do if Bill found out he had incurable cancer?" My answer: "Bill who?" Ha! Do you get it? No really, if Bill had incurable cancer I'm sure I wouldn't just go celebrate right away. First I'd pray that it was testicular cancer so we could have his balls cut off. Then I'd hold some kind of pious press conference where I'd make him come out and say how he wanted me to stay in the race and how he wasn't going to let his cancer get in the way of my pursuing my dreams. Then I'd make sure he started really looking like shit in public, wasting away, and I'd have lots of photo opps of me taking care of him at home -- no wait, not lots of photo opps, but one really good one, like we'd give an exclusive to Vanity Fair or something and have it done really classy by Annie Liebovitz in black-and-white with me as Florence Nightingale and Bill as the dying Jesus. Yeah. I'd fucking milk it for all it was worth. Well done, Miss Edwards. First smart thing you've done on this campaign. You little bitch.
Not that we had anything to do with this. I mean, you can tell this is totally grass roots. Mostly by the really "edgy" tone. I think it's fantastic. I really, really laughed. Not my fake laugh but a real one, which I hadn't done in a long time.
Well old Bill is a lousy husband but I'll give him this. He knows politics. He's the one who told me all those years ago, keep the money flowing to the Chinese, it'll pay off someday. Well, here we are. And they're tanking the market for us, right on schedule. A few more tremors during the primaries and then as we get into the home stretch we'll take her right down. Nothing like a market crash and a bad economy to scare the crap out of people and make them change parties. Right on! Great thing about the Chinese is they hate Bush even more than we do. They're dying to get rid of him and all the Republicans for that matter. Who can blame them? Of course they want communists in power in the U.S., and we're the closest they've got. Thanks a zillion, Chinese leaders! We'll owe you big time when we get into office, just like last time. A million favors are coming your way.
Check it out. I start singing about halfway through and I must say, I do have a lovely voice.
Thank God people are finally starting to realize it. Started with this piece we paid Debra Dickerson to write in Salon. I mean, I know what black is, since I'm married to America's first black president. And anyone who's lived our experience as an interracial couple knows that Obama just ain't black. Put it this way. Did he grow up in the South? Does he like to overeat? Does he chase pussy? Is he unable to restrain himself when white women throw themselves at him? Does he speak in rhymes and grab his dick when he talks? Has he ever worn a satin track suit and gold chains? No. Barack grew up in Hawaii, appears to eat a healthy diet and remains monogamous. He wears well-made suits and went to friggin law school. Doesn't even know how to rap. Ergo, not black. And luckily the black voters of America are realizing that and turning on him. As they should.
David Geffen calls me a liar. Wow. David Geffen. A guy who even in Hollywood is considered pond scum. A guy who went to court to keep kids from swimming in the sea or walking on the beach in front of his house. (See here.) Yeah, a real moral authority. He's mad because he tried to pay off my husband, our first black president, to pardon a cop-killing Indian named Leonard Peltier. Right. That's gonna happen. What politician doesn't want to be known as the person who sprang a cop-killer? And did it for money? Yet David thought he was gonna be this big hero of the left and went around telling everyone he was gonna get Peltier sprung. He also made the very huge mistake of telling Peltier himself. Not exactly the kind of guy you want to get pissed off at you. I guess some of his Apache brethren were making threats. Or bikers or something.
Oh well. David "Penis Issues" Geffen took his cheap shot. It's done. We're moving forward.
Goddamn you racist South Carolina white people with your fucking racist flag. Yeah, yeah, fair enough. Don't vote for me. You know what? I don't want your racist votes. That's right. You heard me. Go vote for Republicans. Phew! Sooner I get out of this goddamn hillbilly state the better. And I'm gonna throw out these shoes. There. I said it.
No, honestly. It's one of the things we pick up most frequently in our polling. I just don't get it. Because I work so hard at trying to seem sincere. I mean, I really, really work at it. And frankly, I like to think I'm pretty convincing.
I know, you've heard all sorts of bad stuff about me. But come on, Republicans. You know, deep down, that I'm one of you. I voted for the war in Iraq. And as president I'll send even more troops over there and get the job done right. Despite what you've heard, I'm not pro abortion. In fact I'm against abortion. But, well, I've said what I had to say to get into office. Remind you of anyone? Like, your current prez? Or Mitt Romney? Or Rudy? Please. You know how the game is played. We're all big kids here. So let's be honest with one another. I'm a rich lawyer. I don't want to pay taxes. Okay? So look, let me go play ball with these nitwits in Hollywood. But at the end of the day, I'm all about Wall Street and Big Oil. You know it. Come on. Let's pretend we're secret lovers. We're having an affair. Okay? We'll keep it all hush hush. But you know what? It's hotter that way.
I'm also not going to admit I made a mistake. Look. It's a trick. And it's being staged by the Repubes. They want me to get pulled left in the primary and then they can call me a flip-flopper. Yes, there are people in my camp who are scared of the Deaniacs and Daily Kos and all those other wacko left-wing freaks, and who think that unless I kiss their commie asses I can't win the primary. Please. Who is going to beat me in the primary? Obama? Really. Friends, Barack Obama is going to self-destruct and collapse like a fucking bad souffle. Edwards? He's a girl. Sharpton? Riiight. Wesley Clark? Folks, we don't elect midgets. Now listen carefully. Despite all the sanctimonious leftie horseshit in the far-left Democratic base, the fact is that Democratic politics are just like Republican politics. And the golden rule is and always has been: Money talks. Why do you think Bill and I chose to become Democrats all those years ago? Trust me, we came this close to going Republican. But we realized early on that because Democrats are in general so inept at raising money that we could outsmart them more easily than Republicans. And all you've gotta do is throw some rhetoric at them about liking gays and supporting abortion and affirmative action, and you're in. Heck you don't even have to actually do anything to support those causes. Just say the right thing. Honestly, it's almost too easy.
I'm not making this up. All Mormons wear this special thing called "the Garment." Which is basically a pair of underpants and an undershirt that a 19th-century pioneer might wear. Andrew Sullivan did a whole thing on it last year. And he ran the photo (above) in his blog to give people an idea of what Mormons look like under their clothes. Well, I'm not saying this makes Mitt unfit to be president. (I think having a name like "Mitt" does that by itself. I mean WTFIUWT?) But I would like to urge all voters, when you see Mitt speaking, to remember what he's got on underneath those crisp, well-tailored suits.
He calls me up a few days ago and he's all outraged because in some radio interview about the big snowstorms in upstate New York I said something about cars sliding on black ice. "That's racist!" he tells me. "Black ice? Are you kidding me? How come when you go skating around on the ice at Rockefeller Center, it's just plain old ice, no color. But when someone slides in they car and hit a damn pole, now it's black ice? Huh? Tell me what's up with that. Why are blacks always to blame for all the bad stuff in this world? I don't hear anyone saying people are dying in New York because of white snow. Do you? Yet you know damn well if they could they'd find a way to have black snow just so they could blame stuff on it. And don't even get me started on Brother Obama because you know he ain't even black, that's the God's truth."
God I can't wait for the debates.
