No, honestly. It's one of the things we pick up most frequently in our polling. I just don't get it. Because I work so hard at trying to seem sincere. I mean, I really, really work at it. And frankly, I like to think I'm pretty convincing.
I know, you've heard all sorts of bad stuff about me. But come on, Republicans. You know, deep down, that I'm one of you. I voted for the war in Iraq. And as president I'll send even more troops over there and get the job done right. Despite what you've heard, I'm not pro abortion. In fact I'm against abortion. But, well, I've said what I had to say to get into office. Remind you of anyone? Like, your current prez? Or Mitt Romney? Or Rudy? Please. You know how the game is played. We're all big kids here. So let's be honest with one another. I'm a rich lawyer. I don't want to pay taxes. Okay? So look, let me go play ball with these nitwits in Hollywood. But at the end of the day, I'm all about Wall Street and Big Oil. You know it. Come on. Let's pretend we're secret lovers. We're having an affair. Okay? We'll keep it all hush hush. But you know what? It's hotter that way.
I'm also not going to admit I made a mistake. Look. It's a trick. And it's being staged by the Repubes. They want me to get pulled left in the primary and then they can call me a flip-flopper. Yes, there are people in my camp who are scared of the Deaniacs and Daily Kos and all those other wacko left-wing freaks, and who think that unless I kiss their commie asses I can't win the primary. Please. Who is going to beat me in the primary? Obama? Really. Friends, Barack Obama is going to self-destruct and collapse like a fucking bad souffle. Edwards? He's a girl. Sharpton? Riiight. Wesley Clark? Folks, we don't elect midgets. Now listen carefully. Despite all the sanctimonious leftie horseshit in the far-left Democratic base, the fact is that Democratic politics are just like Republican politics. And the golden rule is and always has been: Money talks. Why do you think Bill and I chose to become Democrats all those years ago? Trust me, we came this close to going Republican. But we realized early on that because Democrats are in general so inept at raising money that we could outsmart them more easily than Republicans. And all you've gotta do is throw some rhetoric at them about liking gays and supporting abortion and affirmative action, and you're in. Heck you don't even have to actually do anything to support those causes. Just say the right thing. Honestly, it's almost too easy.
I'm not making this up. All Mormons wear this special thing called "the Garment." Which is basically a pair of underpants and an undershirt that a 19th-century pioneer might wear. Andrew Sullivan did a whole thing on it last year. And he ran the photo (above) in his blog to give people an idea of what Mormons look like under their clothes. Well, I'm not saying this makes Mitt unfit to be president. (I think having a name like "Mitt" does that by itself. I mean WTFIUWT?) But I would like to urge all voters, when you see Mitt speaking, to remember what he's got on underneath those crisp, well-tailored suits.
He calls me up a few days ago and he's all outraged because in some radio interview about the big snowstorms in upstate New York I said something about cars sliding on black ice. "That's racist!" he tells me. "Black ice? Are you kidding me? How come when you go skating around on the ice at Rockefeller Center, it's just plain old ice, no color. But when someone slides in they car and hit a damn pole, now it's black ice? Huh? Tell me what's up with that. Why are blacks always to blame for all the bad stuff in this world? I don't hear anyone saying people are dying in New York because of white snow. Do you? Yet you know damn well if they could they'd find a way to have black snow just so they could blame stuff on it. And don't even get me started on Brother Obama because you know he ain't even black, that's the God's truth."
God I can't wait for the debates.
See here in case you missed it. Now let me get this straight. He hires two vulgar skanks without doing any background checks. Then when he finds out about the stuff they've written, it takes him 36 hours to make a decision. And the decision is? To keep them on staff. Seriously? And this spineless pussy thinks people are going to make him the leader of the free world? A guy who can't stand up to a pair of dirty joke writing bloggers? Miss Edwards, as of today you are officially out of the running. Keep spending money if you want to, but you don't stand a chance.
See here. Says I shouldn't wear pants. Should wear skirts instead. Wow. Thanks, Donatella. It's so nice that you're offering to help. You dog-faced skank.
