Tough question

So Jimmy Carville asked me last night, "What would you do if Bill found out he had incurable cancer?" My answer: "Bill who?" Ha! Do you get it? No really, if Bill had incurable cancer I'm sure I wouldn't just go celebrate right away. First I'd pray that it was testicular cancer so we could have his balls cut off. Then I'd hold some kind of pious press conference where I'd make him come out and say how he wanted me to stay in the race and how he wasn't going to let his cancer get in the way of my pursuing my dreams. Then I'd make sure he started really looking like shit in public, wasting away, and I'd have lots of photo opps of me taking care of him at home -- no wait, not lots of photo opps, but one really good one, like we'd give an exclusive to Vanity Fair or something and have it done really classy by Annie Liebovitz in black-and-white with me as Florence Nightingale and Bill as the dying Jesus. Yeah. I'd fucking milk it for all it was worth. Well done, Miss Edwards. First smart thing you've done on this campaign. You little bitch.

Our response to the Obama 1984 ad

Not that we had anything to do with this. I mean, you can tell this is totally grass roots. Mostly by the really "edgy" tone. I think it's fantastic. I really, really laughed. Not my fake laugh but a real one, which I hadn't done in a long time.

Edwards stays in

"I'm sorry. You're not going to make it."

"That's okay. Neither are you."

Market crash, yes!!!

Well old Bill is a lousy husband but I'll give him this. He knows politics. He's the one who told me all those years ago, keep the money flowing to the Chinese, it'll pay off someday. Well, here we are. And they're tanking the market for us, right on schedule. A few more tremors during the primaries and then as we get into the home stretch we'll take her right down. Nothing like a market crash and a bad economy to scare the crap out of people and make them change parties. Right on! Great thing about the Chinese is they hate Bush even more than we do. They're dying to get rid of him and all the Republicans for that matter. Who can blame them? Of course they want communists in power in the U.S., and we're the closest they've got. Thanks a zillion, Chinese leaders! We'll owe you big time when we get into office, just like last time. A million favors are coming your way.

My goodness I can sing

Check it out. I start singing about halfway through and I must say, I do have a lovely voice.

Barack Obama is not black

Thank God people are finally starting to realize it. Started with this piece we paid Debra Dickerson to write in Salon. I mean, I know what black is, since I'm married to America's first black president. And anyone who's lived our experience as an interracial couple knows that Obama just ain't black. Put it this way. Did he grow up in the South? Does he like to overeat? Does he chase pussy? Is he unable to restrain himself when white women throw themselves at him? Does he speak in rhymes and grab his dick when he talks? Has he ever worn a satin track suit and gold chains? No. Barack grew up in Hawaii, appears to eat a healthy diet and remains monogamous. He wears well-made suits and went to friggin law school. Doesn't even know how to rap. Ergo, not black. And luckily the black voters of America are realizing that and turning on him. As they should.

What a fucking week

David Geffen calls me a liar. Wow. David Geffen. A guy who even in Hollywood is considered pond scum. A guy who went to court to keep kids from swimming in the sea or walking on the beach in front of his house. (See here.) Yeah, a real moral authority. He's mad because he tried to pay off my husband, our first black president, to pardon a cop-killing Indian named Leonard Peltier. Right. That's gonna happen. What politician doesn't want to be known as the person who sprang a cop-killer? And did it for money? Yet David thought he was gonna be this big hero of the left and went around telling everyone he was gonna get Peltier sprung. He also made the very huge mistake of telling Peltier himself. Not exactly the kind of guy you want to get pissed off at you. I guess some of his Apache brethren were making threats. Or bikers or something.

Oh well. David "Penis Issues" Geffen took his cheap shot. It's done. We're moving forward.