Tuesday, April 3, 2007

Nancy is doing a great job in Syria

Honestly, this lady just has such great instincts. She's over there in Syria telling them exactly what they want to hear. I'm really really thinking about talking to her about the VP slot. Or definitely a high cabinet post. Secretary of State or something. She's just so terrific.

Monday, April 2, 2007

Yeah, I am so bad

Raking in the money, honey. That's what the Clintstones are good at. $36 million in the March quarter alone. Sure Obama had his little tea party with David Geffen. I find more money between the cushions on my couch. And I'm sorry to tell you folks but you know what? People like me. They really do. A lot. And I am going to be a great president. For life.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

I'm like a Subaru

All the celebrity lezbos love me. And I look great with a "Save the Planet" bumper sticker on my ass. Yesterday we landed Billie Jean King. Soon we'll have Martina Navratilova and Rosie O'Donnell and those Indigo Girls jumping on Big Mama's gravy train too. You wait and see. Because if you look up "angry feminist" in the dictionary, you'll see my picture.

Look up "feminist," there's my picture

That's what I told those dopey muff munchers over at NOW anyway in order to get their endorsement. Ha! Wait and see how much Mama Hillary does for you once she gets into office. Look up "liar," and there's my picture too!

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

I've gotta get back on that South Beach diet

Or get a treadmill or something. Man. One of the interns snapped this photo with a camera phone without my knowledge. This was at a shopping plaza in Chappaqua last weekend. I found out they were passing it around on email and writing captions, like "Do you mind if I ASS you a question?" or "Baby's got back." Well, it hurt, but sometimes a girl needs a little kick in the you-know-what. And yes, I fired the assholes involved. Except for the one who actually took the photo. She's no longer with us, sad to say. We did make it look like an accident, however.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Muslims, I want your votes!

We're really working hard to reach out to Muslims early on in the campaign. Here's a photo of Nancy Pelosi and me working the crowd at a rally in Dearborn, Michigan over the weekend. We really cranked it up and got into it, saying stuff like, "Death to America! Death to Israel! We must put an end to the Zionist aggression!" Nancy can even do that Muslim lady yelp, where they go, "Ayayayayayayayayayayay!" She kept doing it in the plane afterward and we were all just cracking up. Hilarious. Then the reporter from al-Arabya got all snippy, so we had to cool it till he left the room. Then we started up again. God, Nancy is a blast. Too bad she's married.

We need something like global warming

We need a cause. A crusade. Gore has this crazy global warming thing. The Republicans have terrorism. Now Edwards has his wife's cancer, the lucky bastard. So I've put my best people on this. We need some big scary invisible danger that could wipe out our entire civilization unless I'm elected presiwoman. Best idea so far is asteroids. Like, they're out there and could smash into us and NASA isn't doing enough to protect us because their funding has been cut.

Could work, right? Well, we're thinking about it.