Thursday, March 29, 2007

I'm like a Subaru

All the celebrity lezbos love me. And I look great with a "Save the Planet" bumper sticker on my ass. Yesterday we landed Billie Jean King. Soon we'll have Martina Navratilova and Rosie O'Donnell and those Indigo Girls jumping on Big Mama's gravy train too. You wait and see. Because if you look up "angry feminist" in the dictionary, you'll see my picture.

Look up "feminist," there's my picture

That's what I told those dopey muff munchers over at NOW anyway in order to get their endorsement. Ha! Wait and see how much Mama Hillary does for you once she gets into office. Look up "liar," and there's my picture too!

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

I've gotta get back on that South Beach diet

Or get a treadmill or something. Man. One of the interns snapped this photo with a camera phone without my knowledge. This was at a shopping plaza in Chappaqua last weekend. I found out they were passing it around on email and writing captions, like "Do you mind if I ASS you a question?" or "Baby's got back." Well, it hurt, but sometimes a girl needs a little kick in the you-know-what. And yes, I fired the assholes involved. Except for the one who actually took the photo. She's no longer with us, sad to say. We did make it look like an accident, however.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Muslims, I want your votes!

We're really working hard to reach out to Muslims early on in the campaign. Here's a photo of Nancy Pelosi and me working the crowd at a rally in Dearborn, Michigan over the weekend. We really cranked it up and got into it, saying stuff like, "Death to America! Death to Israel! We must put an end to the Zionist aggression!" Nancy can even do that Muslim lady yelp, where they go, "Ayayayayayayayayayayay!" She kept doing it in the plane afterward and we were all just cracking up. Hilarious. Then the reporter from al-Arabya got all snippy, so we had to cool it till he left the room. Then we started up again. God, Nancy is a blast. Too bad she's married.

We need something like global warming

We need a cause. A crusade. Gore has this crazy global warming thing. The Republicans have terrorism. Now Edwards has his wife's cancer, the lucky bastard. So I've put my best people on this. We need some big scary invisible danger that could wipe out our entire civilization unless I'm elected presiwoman. Best idea so far is asteroids. Like, they're out there and could smash into us and NASA isn't doing enough to protect us because their funding has been cut.

Could work, right? Well, we're thinking about it.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Tough question

So Jimmy Carville asked me last night, "What would you do if Bill found out he had incurable cancer?" My answer: "Bill who?" Ha! Do you get it? No really, if Bill had incurable cancer I'm sure I wouldn't just go celebrate right away. First I'd pray that it was testicular cancer so we could have his balls cut off. Then I'd hold some kind of pious press conference where I'd make him come out and say how he wanted me to stay in the race and how he wasn't going to let his cancer get in the way of my pursuing my dreams. Then I'd make sure he started really looking like shit in public, wasting away, and I'd have lots of photo opps of me taking care of him at home -- no wait, not lots of photo opps, but one really good one, like we'd give an exclusive to Vanity Fair or something and have it done really classy by Annie Liebovitz in black-and-white with me as Florence Nightingale and Bill as the dying Jesus. Yeah. I'd fucking milk it for all it was worth. Well done, Miss Edwards. First smart thing you've done on this campaign. You little bitch.

Our response to the Obama 1984 ad

Not that we had anything to do with this. I mean, you can tell this is totally grass roots. Mostly by the really "edgy" tone. I think it's fantastic. I really, really laughed. Not my fake laugh but a real one, which I hadn't done in a long time.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Edwards stays in

"I'm sorry. You're not going to make it."

"That's okay. Neither are you."