We're demanding that this video be taken down

It's absolutely offensive. See here and tell me if you don't agree.

Re these "terror" arrests in England

Look. I know everyone is scared. But before we go jumping to conclusions, I think we'd better stop and ask a few questions. First of all, why did these men turn to terrorism, if in fact that's what they did? Why are they so angry? What makes them so hateful? I think we all need to look inside ourselves and try to come up with a bigger answer on this one. For one thing, look at the way these people are forced to live. Just look at that house. Little tiny windows. Hard to imagine there's much sunshine inside there, eh? And this is England so you know it's raining most of the time. And those little cars. Who couuld be happy driving something like that? Just mean to say that before we go blaming people we should stop and think about what we could do to make them less angry. Like giving them better houses to live in. And affordable health care. That and abolishing the state of Israel, which I definitely will do if I'm elected. Bingo, like that, the terrorism stuff stops. So simple I can't believe the Monkey and his neo-con crew haven't figured it out. Dummies.

We were going to shoot Joe Biden

But Allah be praised, he just did the job for us. First he went out and offended all the Indians with his videotaped comments about convenience stores. Now see here where he praises Barack Obama as being a black dude who is also "clean" and "articulate." Shocking, right? Money quote: “I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that’s a storybook, man." Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton are all upset. Sharpton now claims he bathes every day. Right. As if. Drudge runs the headline, "OBAMA `CLEAN' BLACK." Thanks Matt. Check's in the mail. And thank you, Joe Biden. We have no idea how you remain in office. But you do. You big loving hunk of moron you. Oh, and by the way: Nice hairplugs. No, you can't tell. Not at all. Looks very very natural. Just like your real hair. Honest.

Paul Begala says I come across as smarmy and insincere

Talk about the pot calling the kettle a person of color. I mean, wow. Can you imagine this weenie telling you that you seem phony? Look at that dumbass smirk. This guy's got a slot in the back of his head where you drop in dollar bills to make him say whatever you want.

Oh then he backs off and says he doesn't think I'm insincere. No, not at all. It's just that this is what he and Carville found out in some polling they did. I'm like, So what do you morons want me to do? And don't tell me to bake fucking cookies again. They're like, Um, well, I dunno, maybe wear pastels or something?

I can't believe I pay these hillbillies.

How do you handle evil men?

Marry them. Pow! My first foray into comedy went really, really well, don't you think? I'm trying to show my softer side, my funny side. I want people to see that I'm human. I'm just like them. Only way smarter and willing to knife you if you get in my way.

Oh Christ another stalker

A young woman keeps showing up around me. At my apartment. At the house in Chappaqua. At campaign stops. This kind of thing happens more often than you'd imagine, just ask anyone in public life. They always have a story of some sort. This one believes she's my daughter, and keeps demanding to be let through security. Says she needs to talk to me about something, or wants to come over for the weekend, or the holidays, or what have you. The Secret Service guys are on top of it, yet she keeps popping up. She'll shout things like, "Why are you angry? Why won't you talk to me? Mom, what did I do?" Poor kid. I'm not angry, of course, though I suppose I should be when I think of the sorry state of our mental health infrastructure in this country. Really I'm just sad. I just think so many of our young people today are so in need of help, and yet they're not getting it thanks to our "rich get richer" Republican administration. That'll change in a Clinton presidency, let me tell you. We'll have our priorities straight. Family values, better education, better health care, helping young people -- these will be at the top of our list.

Obama buckling fast. Yee ha.

Talk about fifteen minutes of fame. New Time poll shows me 19 points ahead of the boy wonder. And consider this. Barack's numbers today are as high as they're ever gonna get. Cause he's an unknown quantity. The more people get to know him, the more the numbers will come down. You wait and see. Look at little Miss Sweetheart, John Edwards, with his smarmy grin and his 11 percent. Who on earth is advising this guy? How do you look at him and tell him, with a straight face, that he really does have a chance of becoming president?