We're demanding that this video be taken down

It's absolutely offensive. See here and tell me if you don't agree.

Re these "terror" arrests in England

Look. I know everyone is scared. But before we go jumping to conclusions, I think we'd better stop and ask a few questions. First of all, why did these men turn to terrorism, if in fact that's what they did? Why are they so angry? What makes them so hateful? I think we all need to look inside ourselves and try to come up with a bigger answer on this one. For one thing, look at the way these people are forced to live. Just look at that house. Little tiny windows. Hard to imagine there's much sunshine inside there, eh? And this is England so you know it's raining most of the time. And those little cars. Who couuld be happy driving something like that? Just mean to say that before we go blaming people we should stop and think about what we could do to make them less angry. Like giving them better houses to live in. And affordable health care. That and abolishing the state of Israel, which I definitely will do if I'm elected. Bingo, like that, the terrorism stuff stops. So simple I can't believe the Monkey and his neo-con crew haven't figured it out. Dummies.

We were going to shoot Joe Biden

But Allah be praised, he just did the job for us. First he went out and offended all the Indians with his videotaped comments about convenience stores. Now see here where he praises Barack Obama as being a black dude who is also "clean" and "articulate." Shocking, right? Money quote: “I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that’s a storybook, man." Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton are all upset. Sharpton now claims he bathes every day. Right. As if. Drudge runs the headline, "OBAMA `CLEAN' BLACK." Thanks Matt. Check's in the mail. And thank you, Joe Biden. We have no idea how you remain in office. But you do. You big loving hunk of moron you. Oh, and by the way: Nice hairplugs. No, you can't tell. Not at all. Looks very very natural. Just like your real hair. Honest.

Paul Begala says I come across as smarmy and insincere

Talk about the pot calling the kettle a person of color. I mean, wow. Can you imagine this weenie telling you that you seem phony? Look at that dumbass smirk. This guy's got a slot in the back of his head where you drop in dollar bills to make him say whatever you want.

Oh then he backs off and says he doesn't think I'm insincere. No, not at all. It's just that this is what he and Carville found out in some polling they did. I'm like, So what do you morons want me to do? And don't tell me to bake fucking cookies again. They're like, Um, well, I dunno, maybe wear pastels or something?

I can't believe I pay these hillbillies.

How do you handle evil men?

Marry them. Pow! My first foray into comedy went really, really well, don't you think? I'm trying to show my softer side, my funny side. I want people to see that I'm human. I'm just like them. Only way smarter and willing to knife you if you get in my way.

Oh Christ another stalker

A young woman keeps showing up around me. At my apartment. At the house in Chappaqua. At campaign stops. This kind of thing happens more often than you'd imagine, just ask anyone in public life. They always have a story of some sort. This one believes she's my daughter, and keeps demanding to be let through security. Says she needs to talk to me about something, or wants to come over for the weekend, or the holidays, or what have you. The Secret Service guys are on top of it, yet she keeps popping up. She'll shout things like, "Why are you angry? Why won't you talk to me? Mom, what did I do?" Poor kid. I'm not angry, of course, though I suppose I should be when I think of the sorry state of our mental health infrastructure in this country. Really I'm just sad. I just think so many of our young people today are so in need of help, and yet they're not getting it thanks to our "rich get richer" Republican administration. That'll change in a Clinton presidency, let me tell you. We'll have our priorities straight. Family values, better education, better health care, helping young people -- these will be at the top of our list.

Obama buckling fast. Yee ha.

Talk about fifteen minutes of fame. New Time poll shows me 19 points ahead of the boy wonder. And consider this. Barack's numbers today are as high as they're ever gonna get. Cause he's an unknown quantity. The more people get to know him, the more the numbers will come down. You wait and see. Look at little Miss Sweetheart, John Edwards, with his smarmy grin and his 11 percent. Who on earth is advising this guy? How do you look at him and tell him, with a straight face, that he really does have a chance of becoming president?

This isn't helping

Great. Liz Taylor is endorsing me. Can someone please find a way to shut this old bag up? I mean who's next? Michael Jackson? Do I really need to explain this stuff to you people? Jesus! And where the fuck is my coffee? Black, eight Splendas. Do I have to go make it myself?

Kerry's out

Story behind the story. Carville and Begala paid him a little visit. Showed him the photos we had in our dossier. No, not hooker shots. Just pix like this one here in the bunny suit. And the ones of him windsurfing. And snowboarding. And duck hunting. And playing his stupid guitar. And saluting when he "reported for duty." And throwing a baseball, looking like a girl. Then they sat him down and made him listen to a tape recording of himself speaking. That's what did it. That and the fact that he knew he couldn't run again with that crazy wife of his, and he didn't have the balls to have her killed. Well, sayonara, pussy.

My femme photo

This is my "soft" look. I know: If only, right?

So D. was in town last night

Of course there was the usual bittersweet sadness about not being able to be together openly, but we are both big girls and we realize that reality is what reality is. And then also there is always the sweet girlish perfection of just spending time together, holding hands, cuddling, drinking hot cocoa and planning our future, with me in the White House and D. right by my side, though off behind a curtain or something. Big question for her is how we'll get her back to D.C. this time around. Obvious choice is Health and Human Services again. She'd like to move right now, right away, since the Dems are in power and she thinks we can get something done. Had to explain to her that this is not how things work. Be patient, my pet. My sweet little midget. My bonsai tree. That's what I told her. Then we giggled like schoolgirls and tumbled into bed in our flannel nightgowns and I fell asleep with her mustache nuzzling against the back of my neck. The thing about me and D. is, we just fit. You know? Everything is so relaxed, so perfect.

My sentiments exactly

Here's my good friend and future human sacrifice John McCain snoozing during the big speech last night. How's he do it? He takes Ambien. God how I wish I had thought of this.

State of the Union, my ass

People ask me how I kept from screaming last night while listening to the Monkey ramble on about all his big ideas. Frankly I don't even know. Every time I listen to him I feel like I'm Charlton Heston, being held prisoner on the ape planet and listening to the fucking chimps go on about some big new plan. "Well, we got ourselves into a war with the monkeys, and now it's not going so well, so we're going to send in more apes." Yeah. Fucking brilliant. I just sat there trying to look expressionless. Luckily that comes pretty easily to me. All my life I've been surrounded by people with roughly half my IQ. Not easy but you learn to cope.

Don't get me wrong

I like Barack Obama. I really do. And I think all this business about him attending a radical Muslim madrassa is just not relevant. The American people don't care if Barack Obama went to a radical Muslim school run by terrorists who want to destroy our country. They just don't. Sadly, however, this kind of smear is what we have to expect these days thanks to the Republican party and its politics of personal destruction.

The American people dn't want to hear this garbage. They want to focus on issues. They don't care about Barack's middle name being "Hussein." They don't care that he's a Muslim. They don't want to know how many times a day he kneels down, bows toward Mecca and prays. They don't wonder for a second whether he secretly, down deep, sort of kind of sympathizes with al-Qaeda, and what this might mean for our foreign policy in an Obama administration. They just don't care about this. And frankly neither do I. Because, and I've said this many times and will keep saying it, I don't believe for a moment that just because someone is a full-on Muslim from deepest, darkest Africa, that this person must necessarily also be a fundamentalist religious zealot who is anti-women, anti-gay, or anti-America.

But these right-wing fanatics, this shadowy cabal of neo-conservatives, are just going to keep spreading these smears. I ask all of you to just look past this, to put aside the issue of Senator Obama being a Muslim, and having Hussein as his middle name, and going to a radical Muslim madrassa run by terrorists. It's just not relevant. Let's roll up our sleeves and get back to working on what the American people care about. Like a comprehensive national health care plan that really works, and I mean a plan that works for all Americans, even those who are Muslims and who may or may not have radical anti-American ideologies created by attending radical Muslim schools run by America-hating terrorists.

Barack, though we may be rivals in this primary, I want you to know that I am standing by you one hundred percent on this terrorist connection thing.

Sweet holy Jesus my fucking ears hurt already

Two days into this stupid lame-ass "listening tour" and I feel like my fucking ears are gonna fall off. Whose idea was this? Jesus. Do you realize how absolutely stupid 99% of the population actually is? I mean like animal stupid. And lucky me gets to sit there and listen to Ma and Pa Kettle ramble on about what they want from their government. One of them today was talking about fucking leash laws. I'm like, Lady, I'm about to be the ruler of the fucking free world, and you're talking to me about leash laws? Jesus!

What cracks me up about listening tours is that wherever you go, no matter who you're talking to, they always want the same thing. "Give us more free shit, and make those other guys, the (fill in blank) ones, pay all the taxes instead of us." And the poor dumb bastards want this so bad that they never doubt you when you nod your head and go, Okay, fine, no problem, great, I'll get right on it.

Frankly I think the entire system -- this whole notion of having a "democracy," with "elections," and "candidates" who "compete" -- is just ridiculous. Do you realize how much money is going to be wasted on this song and dance we call a primary? And then the election itself? And we're just going to get the same result. I'm going to be the Democratic nominee, and I'm going to destroy whichever born-again moron the Republicans decide to put up. But no, we can't just appoint me president. That would make too much sense. So all of these millions and billions of dollars, dollars that could be spent on providing free health care to all Americans, instead will go into the pockets of consultants and advertising agencies and big television networks. Well, I'm informed by my so-called "experts" that there's no other way.

But Jesus I hate having to sit there listening to these inbred retards and forcing a smiling and trying to pretend like I really give a shit about what they want. I can't tell you how hard that is.

I'm in it to win it.

And by "it," I mean the presidential election. That's right. Take a good long look at those sexy eyes, that fetching fake smile. Like it or not, I'm going to be your next president. And look -- I'm not stupid. I know people don’t like me. But whatever. Who else are you going to nominate? John Kerry? Al Gore? God help you if either of those bozos takes over. Jesus fucking Christ. John Edwards? One word for him and you know what it is: Miss. And not like "I'm gonna miss having a job." It's more like, "Excuse me, Miss, do you really think you can be president?" Seriously. (Seriously, that's our guys call him. Carville started it. He says it was the code name that Secret Service used for Edwards during the last election. Kerry was "Lurch," and Edwards was "Miss." I'm not even joking.) As for Barack Obama, he’s a sweet kid, but come on. I’ve got tougher guys than that in my stool. Serously, you might as well start calling me “Madam President” right now. I’ve got the money, I’ve got the backing, and best of all I’ve got The Bastard (you know who I’m talking about) running strategy. This is a no brainer.